Evangelion Goes to The Movies of '94
by Author0fntent
Summary: A two-piece EVA-infused ode to two great films from 1994.
1. Chapter 1

*Disclaimer-I own nothing of Gainax or Miramax, and that means they have no ax to grind with me.*

It was another quiet day at school, which found Shinji, Toji and Kensuke engaged in deep conversation at their desks.

Kensuke: You know what I just watched?

Shinji: Asuka threatening to staple a flag to my butt and mail me to Iran?

Kensuke: _Return of the Jedi._

Toji: Didn't you hear him? Seriously, how is it that the Red Devil can use, of all things, a Homer Simpson threat?

Kensuke: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or _The Empire Strikes Back_?

Shinji: "Empire Strikes Back".

Toji: Bullcrap. I pegged you for the original.

Shinji: I mean it-"Empire" had the better ending. Think about it [begins listing on his fingers]: Luke gets his hand cut off AND finds out Darth Vader's his father, Han gets frozen in carbonite and taken away by Boba Fett...It ends on a real sad state of affairs. I mean, that's what life is half the time: a series of sad endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of spear-throwing teddy bears.

Kensuke: Here's the thing, though-I ever noticed it about "Jedi" until now. They built another Death Star, right?

Shinji and Toji: Right.

Kensuke: You'll remember in the first movie, the original one was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.

Toji: Specifically, Luke blew it up-credit where credit's due and all that.

Kensuke: And the second one was still under construction when they blew THAT one up.

Shinji: Thanks to Lando.

Kensuke: The more I thought about it, something didn't sit right with me that second time around. I could never figure it out, but something just didn't feel right.

Shinji: And that something is?

Toji: C'mon, don't leave us hanging.

Kensuke: The first Death Star was staffed by the Imperial Army. The only people on board were stormtroopers, officers, dignitaries—all of them Imperials.

Toji: Yeah.

Kensuke: So, when the Rebels blew it up, no problem. Good guys win, evil's punished, happily ever after with an awards ceremony.

Shinji: So what about the second time around?

Kensuke: The second time around, the Death Star wasn't even done being re-built yet. It was still under construction.

Toji: So? What're you getting at?

Kensuke: So, a construction job of that size and magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial Army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, electricians, programmers...

Shinji: Who technically weren't Imperials, is that what you're saying?

Kensuke: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. You think the average stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is wearing white armor, shooting badly, and just being general cannon fodder.

Toji: All right, so they bring in independent contractors. What's that got to do with the second Death Star's kablooie moment?

Kensuke: All those innocent contractors hired to do the job were killed in the ensuing crossfire! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, say you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you're married with kids and have the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden, this rogue army blasts you with lasers and wipes out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You've got no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

Hikari and Asuka entered their line of sight as Kensuke finished his statement.

Hikari: Hey guys, what are you talking about?

Kensuke: The ending of _Return of the Jedi_.

Asuka: Pfff-typical geek.

Shinji: Kensuke's trying to convince us that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

Asuka: Seriously? You're mulling over a little detail like that? And I thought Trekkies were obsessive.

Hikari: I don't know, but it's funny you should say that, Kensuke-my uncle's a contractor, a roofer specifically. I can confirm, from seeing him work, that a roofer's personal politics come into play very frequently when choosing jobs.

Kensuke: Oh yeah, like when?

Asuka: Yeah, care to share it with the rest of the class?

Hikari: Three weeks ago, he was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house, tons of property—all for a simple re-shingling job. The client told him if he finished it in one day, he could double his price. Then he realized whose house it was.

Kensuke: And whose house was it?

Hikari: You won't believe me, but it was Tohru Fujikawa's.

Toji: NO WAY-"Fierce" Fujikawa, the Yakuza lieutenant?

Hikari: The one and only! The money was good, but the risk was too much. He knew who "Fierce" was, and based on that, my uncle turned the job over to a friend of his.

Shinji [to Kensuke]: Based on his personal politics.

Hikari: Right! And the next week, the rival Nakajima clan puts out a hit on "Fierce's" house! My uncle's friend was shot and killed; he didn't even finish the re-shingling!

Kensuke, Toji, Asuka, and Shinji [wide-eyed with surprise]: DAMN...

Hikari: My uncle's alive because he knew the risk involved with that particular client. His friend wasn't so lucky. Getting back to your conversation, long story short, any contractor working on the Death Star knew the risk involved; if they got killed, it's their own fault. A roofer listens to this [pointing to her heart], not their wallet.

*Author's Note*  
Here we have part one of my two-part EVA-infused ode to two of the greatest films of American cinema for the year 1994, just a year before EVA even premiered. Three guesses as to which film this particular scene is adapted from. Tune in to part 2, where the focus shifts to Shinji and Asuka.


	2. Chapter 2

*The following takes place after the events of episode 9.*

It was an hour or so after Shinji and Asuka had been debriefed following their success against the Angel Israfel. They'd been tested and given the 'all-clear' to leave for the day. While leaving the Geofront, the two pilots decided, at Asuka's insistence, to check out a new retro-themed eatery that opened up in Tokyo-3. While most would immediately picture something capturing the style and aesthetic of a 1950's diner, this one differed in its choice of decade. The decor and the menu were completely inspired by the 1970's. "The Hustle" by Van McCoy was playing in the background as Shinji and Asuka found a booth and sat down.

Asuka: So, whaddya think?

Shinji: I feel like I stepped into a TVLand rerun.

Their waiter (dressed like John Shaft) came by and handed them a couple of menus. They ordered their food first, with Shinji asking for the 'Sanford and Son-ny Side UP' eggs and steak plate, while Asuka ordered the 'Thunderbolt and Lightfoot' spicy chicken sandwich. They also ordered a couple of drinks to start-Shinji a cherry Coke, Asuka a strawberry milkshake given the moniker of the 'Sly Stone Strawberry'. Shinji took a look at the shake's description and was surprised by the pricing.

Shinji: Did you just order a 542 yen shake?

Asuka: Ja.

Shinji: But that's a shake-that's milk and ice cream.

Asuka: Last I checked.

Shinji: And that's 542 yen. [Turns to the waiter.] Is there something about the ingredients?

Waiter-Shaft: Nothin' out of the ordinary. I'll be back with your drinks.

Shinji:...Just asking.

The waiter returned a little bit later with both drinks, and handed them to each pilot. He then left for another table.

Asuka [having just taken a sip of her shake]:...Mmm, lecker!

Shinji:...You think I could have a sip of that?

Asuka [eyeing Shinji suspiciously, then sliding the glass towards him]: Be my guest.

Shinji: I wanna know what a 542 yen shake tastes like. [Eyes showing a bit of concern over the straw.]

Asuka: Go ahead, use my straw, baka-not like I have cooties or anything. *Wimp.*

Shinji [annoyed]: Yeah, maybe I do?

Asuka: Go on, we've been living in the same apartment for a while now, I think I can handle your wussy 'cooties'.

Shinji: O-okay...[The song in the background changes to "Have You Seen Her?" by the Chi-Lites as Shinji takes a sip of the shake.]...WOW. That's a pretty delicious milkshake. Unbelievable...

Asuka [smugly]: I told ya so.

Shinji: Definitely worth 542 yen.

[A long silence follows as the two EVA pilots just sit there nursing their drinks, looking around the diner. Finally, Asuka breaks the silence.]

Asuka: Don't you hate that?

Shinji: Hate what?

Asuka: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about schisse in order to be comfortable?

Shinji: I don't know. That's a good question.

Asuka: I've heard that's when you know you've found somebody really special; you can just shut up for a minute and comfortably share peace and quiet.

Shinji: Something tells me we're not quite there yet. Not that I feel bad about it or anything.

Asuka:...Tell ya what-I'm gonna go powder my nose; while I'm gone, you think of something to say. Got it?

Shinji: Uh...sure.

[Asuka heads for the ladies' room while Shinji contemplates her request. He thinks back on all the events leading up to the two of them living under the same roof with Misato. In the background, the song had shifted to "Show and Tell" by Al Wilson. After some time, Asuka returns to their booth.]

Asuka: So, you think of anything to say?

Shinji: I did, actually. However, given what happens every time I open my mouth around you, I don't want to offend you.

Asuka: Ooh! This doesn't sound like the usual mindless, boring, getting-to-know-you geschwätz. This sounds like you have something to say.

Shinji: Well, I-I do...But you have to promise to not get offended.

Asuka: BAKA. You can't make me promise something like that-I don't know what you're gonna ask me. So go ahead and ask! I COULD get pissed off, of course, and thus would break my 'promise'.

Shinji [slightly fearful look on his face]:...Let's just forget it then.

Asuka: NOPE. Trying to forget anything as intriguing as this would be an exercise in futility.

Shinji:...Is it?

Asuka: Besides-isn't it more exciting when you don't have permission?

Shinji:...All right...

[A spotlight soon lights up as all eyes in the diner soon fall upon the host in the center of the eatery. The man was dressed as longtime Soul Train host Don Cornelius, and was accompanied by a woman dressed like Farrah Fawcett, holding a trophy.]

'Cornelius': Brothers and sisters, it's now time for the moment you've all been waiting for-Funky Soul Diner's Groovin' Dance-Off. Here, one lucky twosome will win this beautiful trophy that my foxy Angel is holding. Anyone want to step up?

Asuka [smug smile on her face, quickly raising her hand]: Right here, my MAN!

Shinji [surprised look on his face]: HUH?! Asuka, what are you doing?

Asuka: You and me-right now. We're gonna dance, we're gonna win.

Shinji: No way, NO way. I can't dance!

Asuka: Whaddya think we did when we were honing our synchronization? That game MORE than made us ready for something like this. So buck up, you j-j-j-jive-talkin' village person, get up there and dance with me. NOW. We're gonna dance, we're gonna win, I WANT THAT TROPHY. So dance good!

Shinji: All right, all right already!

[Both EVA pilots get up from their booth and make their way to the dance floor. 'Don Cornelius' introduces them.]

'Cornelius': All right, let's meet our first contestants for the evening. Your name, my lil' ginger soul sister?

Asuka [in a cutesy tone of voice]: Miss Asuka Langley Sohryu.

'Cornelius': And how about your boy here?

Shinji [slightly nervous]: Uh, Sh-Shinji Ikari.

'Cornelius': All right, get on up and strut your stuff, and above all, have fun. Can you dig it? Hit it!

On cue, "Get on the Good Foot" by James Brown came on, and Shinji and Asuka began dancing to its beat. To the surprise of everyone watching, they proved to be quite the whiz kids when it came to the boogie. Some compared their dance chemistry to Travolta and Gorney in Saturday Night Fever. In the end, the two of them won the contest, with a beaming Asuka showing off the trophy, much to Shinji's chagrin.


End file.
